


kisses on the necks of best friends

by sternenrotz



Series: broken hearts hurt but they make us strong (queer horror verse) [18]
Category: The Horrors (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Gen, Late Night Conversations, Nonbinary Character, Other, Trans Female Character, discussions of gender affirming surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 17:32:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15369699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sternenrotz/pseuds/sternenrotz
Summary: Dilys and Josh have another late night conversation about gender.





	kisses on the necks of best friends

**Author's Note:**

> titled after "I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)" by Fall Out Boy.
> 
> set in summer 2008, parallel to Faris' real-life breakup with Peaches Geldof. Rhys is a trans girl and her chosen name is Dilys. Joe is also a trans man, but he's only mentioned in passing.

The lava lamp is still burning when Dilys comes back into the bedroom. Josh has his back turned towards the door, so she pads across the wooden floor as quietly as she can. In the blue-red-blue of the light, she can’t tell whether he’s fallen asleep even as she crawls into bed.

Somehow, the fresh sheets still feel too warm and sloppy through the fluffy layer of her dressing gown. Dilys turns to face the opposite way, careful to avoid the croaking bedsprings, and she wedges one elbow under the big pillow on her side. Under the flicker of traffic noise from outside, she can’t hear Josh’s breath, only the rustle of too much bedcloth when she unsuccessfully tries to get comfortable. Her fingers click the switch to the bedside lamp off, but the globs of jelly continue to float and jiggle in the new dim. Her eyelids hurt.

“Di?”

She doesn’t know whether to be surprised that Josh is awake, but she’s definitely surprised how much sleepiness his voice carries with it. By contrast, she feels soberingly awake, like the physical state of being high without the associated pleasant feeling.

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem.” Her voice comes out deeper than she would’ve expected it, but hearing it come out at all is somehow a comfort. “Spoon?”

As long as one of them is talking, she can stave off the radio static in her head, and with that, the memories of earlier today.

“Mm.”

The springs screech when Josh rolls over, and they settle with a sickening crash when he cuddles up behind her. His hands meet on her waist, where the sides of her dressing gown overlap, but they don’t try to slip inside. Not that she bothered with tying the belt closed to begin with.

When Josh hums a second time, Dilys hums along. Even with the sticky heatwave still hanging in the air, she likes this. Josh is softer along her back than any of the other guys could ever be, even discounting his marshmallow tits, and the warmth between his arms feels protective rather than oppressive.

“So,” Josh says next, “Why don’t you want to have bottom surgery?”

Dilys exhales, and something inside her chest flutters with unknown emotion when she holds her pillow tighter. Stupid oestrogen.

“It’s not what you said, because Joe doesn’t want you to, right?”

An involuntary laugh slips out from Dilys’ nose, but that only wets her eyes further for some reason. The previous time Josh came over to their flat, during their last studio break, Joe was there, too, so they all gossiped and got drunk off G&Ts before they fell into bed. Of course the memory of that also makes her want to cry.

“Simpler times,” Dilys says at the pillow. Then, she answers the question. “That was just a joke.”

“Oh, okay.”

“I guess I’m mainly just scared of it,” she says next. “Obviously I’m scared that the surgery’s gonna hurt, and I heard the recovery is a pain in the vag.”

Josh laughs in accord, and his hand lays itself atop of her boob. It’s nice.

“And I guess I’m scared what it’s gonna be like after, too, ‘cause it’s obviously not gonna be like the real thing. Just afraid I’ll be disappointed.”

That thing behind her breastbone, maybe her heartstrings, jumps again. She doesn’t concretely think about the list of pros-and-cons most of the time.

“I guess maybe I’ll end up getting the surgery once the technology’s advanced a little more,” she finally says.

Josh doesn’t reply, but the tiny noise he makes is enough for Dilys to believe he’s satisfied with that answer. In the quiet room, with the slowly dying lava lamp, her ribcage grows heavier again around the twitchy part. When she shuts her eyelids and opens them again, it doesn’t help at all.

“Faris and Peaches broke up, by the way.”

She definitely didn’t mean to say that. All at once, the squeeze tightens and her heart jumps, and she slams her eyes shut to keep the tears in.

Then, she adds, in the same contained voice, “Yesterday.”

Josh slowly says back, “Weird I didn’t hear about it, then.”

Dilys hopes the noise that comes from her throat can be passed off as a hum. “I’m surprised too that Faz called me last night, you know? I thought he’d be calling you first.”

Well, she did, before she went over to Faris’ flat early this day. Their breaths almost sync up in the silence that follows, but only almost.

Finally, when the tears are trying to force themselves from Dilys’ eyes again, Josh asks, “Do you think it’s because of me?”

“It’s not,” Dilys insists.

And it isn’t. But somewhere in the back of her head a nasty voice repeats Faris’ half-drunken ranting about _Josh_ , about feeling like a _toy_ , and she doesn’t want to hear more of that.

“Let’s change the subject.”

“Okay.” Then, Josh adds, as if he knows what she was just thinking, “Sorry.”

He breathes through both his nose and mouth, Dilys only now realises that. Maybe she should have cracked a window open, but the thought of getting up and breaking the contact between them is worse than the alternative. At least she didn’t bother with the duvet.

The next time Josh speaks, he says, “What you were saying about the surgery earlier…”

Dilys stirs, actually surprised by his voice this time.

“You mean you do theoretically want the vagina. Just you don’t want to work for it or deal with the surgery?”

“I guess.” Dilys exhales but the air feels too warm and musty. “I never thought about it in terms of having to work for it, just that I’d like to magically have one.” And she laughs.

“I’m just asking,” Josh says. “I was thinking about surgery since Joe got his, and now I’m realising I don’t want top surgery at all.”

He pauses, and Dilys doesn’t know what to say. Stupid, stupid oestrogen.

“Like, not just ‘cause of how it’s gonna look on me and the recovery period,” Josh says next. “I’m just realising I’m not actually a man at all.”

Then, he stops. Dilys squeezes her eyes shut and his hand in hers. Maybe _his_ is not the correct word, though.

“That’s…” she starts, but has to stop herself short when she realises how wobbly her voice has gotten. “That’s great, you know? I mean, if you’re figuring out who you are, as long as you’re happy with that person…”

“Yeah.” Josh squeezes her hand in return and says, “I think I’m like… genderqueer. You know what that means?”

“I think.” Dilys knows that much. “Means you’re not a man or a woman?”

“I think I’m more both,” Josh says. “Best of both worlds.”

And she laughs.

One more time, the room grows quiet around them, as if Josh has run out of things to say on this topic. In the static noise of her head, Dilys starts thinking again, but at least it’s not about her conversation with Faris this time.

Tomorrow. Joe went out for cocktails with the girls tonight, so he’s sleeping at his sister’s flat, and he already texted her that they’d go out for food and record shopping tomorrow. As much as Dilys would like to come along, she also knows she’ll probably have to check on Faris again instead. Without Josh there.

“And I’ve decided I’m going to use Spivak pronouns now,” Josh says next. “Ey, em, eir, like _they_ , without the T and H.”

This time around, Dilys definitely expected that ey had fallen asleep. She doesn’t know about the other thing, though.

“Okay,” she says. “So is it, _Josh isn’t here, ey have gone to the supermarket_ , or is it, _ey_ has _gone to the supermarket_?”

“It’s the latter,” Josh says. “I think, _ey has_ sounds less stupid.”

Ey touches her hand again, and eir tits press heavy into her back.

Dilys says, “I’ll try to get used to it quickly.”

Very suddenly, the tiredness rushes up on her, and Josh’s warmth only aggravates it.

“I’m still getting used to it, too. Don’t think it’s set in stone, like… I’ll probably go back to using he or she on some days. Although I’ve been a he for long enough.” Josh finishes, “I think I’m, like, fluid.”

“That’s cool. I’ve never met another genderqueer person, actually, so if I ever have a stupid question I’ll probably come to you with it, just to warn you,” Dilys says.

She’s got more to say than that, but right now, she’s too sleepy to think about it in detail. Tomorrow, once more, and with that, she lets her eyes drop shut. A few silent tears do drip out, but Josh soundly starts to snore, and Dilys drifts off, too.


End file.
